Picture taken from: http://www.badnima.com/2010/01/replace-fear-of-the-unknown-with-curiosity.html
I am not sure what I am expecting out of this venting of frustrations, but I suppose I will only hope for the best. There are a lot of things currently pressing on my mind. A LOT. More than I ever thought I would be able to handle. What is the easiest way to elevate stress? Talk about it, well in this case, blog about it.
I am not the best at voicing how I truly feel about something. Not at all. I am the type of person that seems calm, cool, and collective on the outside, but on the inside my mind seems to be going at the rate of an Olympic finals race for the 100-meter dash, except everyday rather than every four years. Nobody wants to hear about someone else’s struggles, concerns, or feelings and rightfully so, why should they? It is just easier to keep it to yourself, you know? It makes things less complicated. I can say that my biggest downfall is that nine times out of ten I will not voice an opinion. Shocking, I know. I generally am a pretty blunt person, but sometimes, just sometimes I will hold it in.
This is my problem. I care absolutely TOO much. I give people way too much credit where less is deserved if any at all. I don’t know if I trust people too much or if it is that I try to respect everyone. But, unfortunately we have to find out the hard way that people in today’s society have no morals, no respect, and no respect for others property. It is beginning to look like Charles Darwin's idea of "survival of the fittest". I take their weaknesses and make them into my flaws. In some screwed up way that is what happens. Why should I get worked up over these evil people? I need to start holding people accountable for what they do. After all, I have been held up to that standard this entire time, correct? I am genuinely a kind hearted individual. Most times though, my rough outside and my quite persona does not quite highlight the good characteristics of mine. Only a few people actually know and understand me. And, ironically those are the people I will remember for the rest of my life.
A person’s past does not define them right? False, a person’s past completely makes them into the person they are today. I know that I am smarter, wiser, and more caring then I was in the past. Granted there will always be one aspect of my past that I will not ever get over. Just one. No one can understand it. Few people know of it. It is something that will haunt me until I die. It was not my fault. I know that. Yet it lingers…Past DOES define a person. Past does control you at times, but ultimately it is your responsibility to take it and run with it. Take the past and run off a cliff with it or take it to a secret place tucked deep away for only you. Whichever you prefer, but do not expect people to feel sorry for you.
What is my biggest downfall and weakness of all time? Do you really want to know? It is fear. Fear sometimes controls me. Let me correct that, fear ALWAYS controls me. It has ruined relationships for me. It has decided daily routines. It is ultimately the one thing I struggle with the most. I cannot understand it. I will never understand it. There is no one person, or a group of people that I fear. What I fear is different, like a popular movie quote “My deepest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure”(Coach Carter). We are all capable of doing more than we can even comprehend, but our mind is a weapon and will shoot to save us, but will also shoot to kill us. That is scary. When I am faced with rational decisions, my first reaction is ultimate terror. Fear takes over me and I have to do everything in my power to fight it back, but I will always fight back, always.
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